Stop denigrating fathers

Depending on your social network or forum of choice, Father’s Day usually sees a mixed response to the intended celebration of fathers. On one hand, there are the complimentary posts lauding fathers for the part they play in their child’s life. Indeed, this isn’t dissimilar to Mother’s Day when such sentiments are echoed with reverence and without exception – and rightly so. However, on Father’s Day, such remarks are punctuated with negativity and disdain for fathers with comments like “happy sperm donor day” being bandied about. It’s disappointing to read and hugely disrespectful and unfair to the majority of good fathers that exist. Furthermore, it’s indicative of the often negative view of fathers that manifests itself within society and needs to stop.

Personally, I’m not too enthused by celebrations such as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I’m not averse to them per se, but I question the need for an annual ‘special’ (not to mention commercial) day when I am a good son and grandson all year round. Nonetheless, it’s nice to observe such days to honour a parent, grandparent or special person who has fulfilled such a role in your life. Therefore, when it comes to Father’s Day, why would anyone want to detract from that with disparaging comments?

As a man, I can certainly concede that there are some of my gender that are bad fathers. Whether that be because they’re absent from their child’s lives, don’t provide support (financial or otherwise) or mistreat their children, bad fathers exist. And by the same token, so do bad mothers. Unfortunately, regardless of their sex, bad parents exist and there isn’t any merit in merely highlighting the parental transgressions of just one gender. All it serves to do is take away from the good parenting of fathers who exercise fatherhood with great responsibility and pride.

The perception of gender roles in society has come to devalue the role of a father and erroneously suggest fathers are secondary to mothers. Biologically, a mother’s role is incomparable to that of a father. Though when it comes to nurture, guidance and support in raising a child, both parents play an equally important part. Mothers and fathers bring respective attributes to parenting and neither should be seen to supersede the other by default. Yet often, fathers are portrayed almost as second class parents and that’s mirrored in society.

Single fathers receive nowhere near the same kudos as single mothers do; they often get overlooked as even existing. And up until 2011, paternity leave in the UK was two weeks in contrast to up to a year for maternity leave. What kind of a signal does that send to society about the value of fathers in contrast to mothers?

Where a couple has separated, fathers are much more likely to encounter difficulties in obtaining reasonable custody if no longer on amicable terms with the mother of their child. Some would argue that bad fathers have set a precedent upon which to support the rationale for the status quo. And to an extent, they have. But what about the good fathers who exist? They shouldn’t be denied access to their children for the mistakes made by bad fathers before them. Despite mixed views on organisations like Fathers 4 Justice, it cannot be argued against that at the crux of their campaign is fairer and equal custody of children between couples who have separated or divorced. That’s a far cry from the proposition that fathers are more likely to be nonchalant toward and shirk their parental duties.

The assumption and unequal weighting of the value placed upon a mother and a father was dramatised in the custody battle in Kramer vs. Kramer. The film also challenged the way motherhood and fatherhood was seen and since its release, outlooks on parenting and gender roles have modernised. Although many of the attitudes in the film are still apparent in modern society.

Those who continue to denigrate fathers in suggesting their parental responsibilities are more often than not reneged upon, should reconsider their views. Yes, bad fathers exist and they don’t deserve to carry the label or honour of being a father. Nonetheless, that doesn’t mean other fathers should be tarred with the same brush, and certainly not on a day when fatherhood is being celebrated. Furthermore, the proponents of such views should examine why most of the fathers they know and interact with seem to fit the ‘sperm donor’ tag. Surely said individuals represent a common denominator amongst such men? Perhaps they need to also look at themselves before making such generalisations.

Fatherhood should be seen on par with motherhood and attitudes in society shouldn’t reflect the contrary. Good parenting, regardless of it being paternal or maternal, should be acknowledged and celebrated, not diminished by the negative actions of others. Sadly, there will probably always be bad fathers. But they do not represent all fathers and they shouldn’t be allowed to become the poster child for fatherhood. Needless to say, there are more than enough good fathers for that to not be the case and some people could do with remembering that.